Not the Way Its Supposed to Be - Loss

'Theological Proposition/Focus: God takes that which is broken and redeems it.’ 

'Homiletical Proposition/Application: Loss is not the way it is supposed to be, nevertheless, God can use loss to grow us and make us more like Christ.’ 

Introduction:

Image: Portraits of Loss

I want to share three stories with you

 Mark didn’t know what was the matter—it had been almost two years since his wife, Sue, had died and he felt as if nothing had changed. He still couldn’t believe that she was really gone. After Sue’s accident, Mark’s friends were supportive and his church had brought meals and had prayed for him, but nothing had seemed to help. There were days, more of them than he cared to admit, when he thought it would have been better if he had been in the car with Sue and had died too.

Tina couldn’t seem to stop crying. She was angry with herself for agreeing to move and her husband, Bill, for forcing them to move a thousand miles from family and friends. She missed everyone, her church, the friends she had grown up with, and most of all her family. She didn’t want to be here and certainly didn’t want to make friends. The phone bill was huge but she didn’t care. She just wanted to go back home.

Rob couldn’t drive past the hospital without feeling that sick clenching feeling in his gut. He had spent hours watching his dad struggle with cancer. Rob just couldn’t seem to care about anything else—his days, and sometimes nights for that matter, had revolved around doing whatever he could to make sure his dad made it, and now his dad was gone.1

Each of these stories are hard stories to hear. Why are these stories so hard to hear? Because the common thread, loss, is something that each of us here today has experienced in one way or another. When it comes to loss, and the process of going through loss, commonly called grief, there are two realities. The first reality is the reality of loss. One well known counselor Ed Welch wrote of grief, 

Loss is a matter for us all. It is so much a part of the human condition that it can fade into the background, and we only identify it when we experience life-changing events like death or disease.

The second reality we must face is the reality that even though we all experience loss, every loss is different, and everybody has different feelings. Together these realities put us in a position of significant need.

Body

I want to start by just talking about relationships. If you have experienced deep loss you have probably at one point or another felt like you never want to risk the hurt of loss again. You may have even gone so far as to say “I will never get so close to someone again because all that ever happens is I get hurt.” When we feel this way what we are really feeling is the reality that we are made for relationships but relationships are a double edged sword.

You are made for relationships but that is a double-edged sword and loss can pierce deep.

Let’s begin by reminding ourselves that relationships are literally baked into our existence.

Deep and intimate relationships were part of humanity from the beginning (Genesis 2:18-25).

First Fundamental Truth - you were made for relationships.

Almost immediately after creating Adam God makes a profound statement. “It is not good for man to be alone.” This statement should not surprise us. Remember, that a fundamental characteristic of God is that God is relationship. Think about it. The doctrine of Trinity states that God exists as Three distinct persons in one. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit all exist in a relationship that is intimate beyond our ability to comprehend. God created Adam in his own image, as his representative (Gen. 1:27), it only makes sense that God’s representative to creation would himself have a baked in need for relationship.

Second fundamental truth - God provides relationships.

Beyond Adam’s need for relationship we also find another fundamental truth about humanity. We need relationships, and God is the one who provides those relationships for us. In Genesis 2:18 we see that God is the one who makes a helper suitable for Adam. I find the entire order of this passage to be fascinating. First God created man, then god declares man’s need for relationship and God’s plan to fulfill that need. Next, God asks the man to participate in a parade of animals. Wait! Didn’t we just change subject really fast? What about Adam’s need? I am convinced that here God is doing an important task, God is making sure Adam knows ho profound his need it. Adam has the opportunity to see all the animals and to see that none of them is going to satisfy his need for relationship. The stage is set, and God is now going to provide for this need.

God forms Adam’s helper from Adam and Adam, in verse 23 shows us that he understands the intimacy of relationship. This is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. In fact, the ultimate expression of human relationship will be realized in this thing called marriage whereby the two become again as one.

In the middle of human grief we can be tempted to isolate ourselves or even to swear off relationships to avoid future pain. I want us to realize that relationships are baked into our identity. In the midst of grief we must embrace relationship.

Now admittedly, the passage in Genesis is about a special relationship that exists between a husband and wife. But these are not the only relationships spoken about in Scripture. Scripture tells us that relationships can come in a variety of ways.

Deep and intimate relationships come from various relationships (Proverbs 17:17; 18:24).

Proverbs 18:24 - One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

In Proverbs 17:17 we are reminded of relationship through two examples, friends and brothers. A friend is someone who shows love at all time and a brother is someone you can go to when the going gets tough. Proverbs 18:24 expands. Bad friends will ruin a person! Remember we need relationships. But a good friend is one of the most valuable possessions you can have. In fact, a good friend will be someone closer than even family.

The Bible, in fact says a lot about friendship and relationship.

The Value of True Friendship: Proverbs 27:17 says,

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." This verse highlights how true friends can help each other grow and improve, much like iron sharpens iron.

Loyalty and Support: In John 15:13, Jesus says,

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." This reflects the depth of commitment and sacrifice that characterizes a true, deep friendship.

Encouragement and Accountability: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 emphasizes the benefits of companionship:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up." This suggests that friends are there to support each other through challenges.

Biblical Examples of Deep Friendships: The Bible provides several examples of deep friendships, such as the relationship between David and Jonathan. In 1 Samuel 18:1, it describes their bond:

"The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." Their friendship was marked by mutual loyalty and affection.

Authenticity and Trust: Proverbs 27:6 states,

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."

This means that a true friend will sometimes give honest, constructive criticism out of love, unlike a false friend who may flatter insincerely. the Bible portrays deep friendships as valuable relationships characterized by mutual support, growth, and loyalty, reflecting both personal sacrifice and genuine care for one another.

But, this is a double-edged sword because no matter how deep the relationship the reality is that every relationship must face the reality of death,

Deep and intimate relationships all face the reality of death (Genesis 3:17-19).

No greater tragedy has ever been written than that of Genesis 3.

In Genesis 3 the man and woman God created and gave everything they could possibly want, choose sin. The Fall, as it is known, is probably the understated title of Eternity. I don’t think we can comprehend how good Adam and Eve had it and I don’t think we can comprehend how far they fell.

But more than just the tragedy of the fall we have the consequence of the fall, death. Genesis 3:19 spells it out. The destiny of every human is death. The destiny of every relationship you have is that one of you is going to die. I am sorry, it really stinks, it hurts to think about, but it is the price we pay for sin. No matter how close you are with someone, no matter how much time you spend together, it is not going to be enough. Someone is going to unbearable pain because death is a reality.

Why talk about this? My goal is not to break all of our hearts now. My goal is to help us understand what matters and prepare our hearts for what we all face. The reality of death. But more than just talking about the reality, I want us to understand that death is not how God created us to be. I think part of grieving is recognizing that this is not what God originally created and I think that as we hurt it may help to know that God grieves with you. This is not the way it is supposed to be!

Image: It’s just not fair the death of Daniel

It was Sunday morning about 15 years ago. We had stopped by my mom’s house before church to drop off some food. We were sitting in the living room getting ready to head out to church when my younger brother’s phone rang. He stepped outside and answered the phone as I watched him walk in front of the bay window I saw as he dropped to his knees the phone next to his ear. Something was clearly wrong.

The day previous, after a game of frisbee golf and dinner at Applebees my brother and his two best friends had parted ways to head home. Life was good, each of Daniel, Alex, and Stephen had just finished their first year of college. High School had been fun, they had won the state title on the 4 by 400 as a team and now each in college they were enjoying great success. The world was ahead of them. But everything had changed. Daniel, on his drive home from dinner, had been struck head on by a drunk driver. The car immediately caught fire and Daniel, at 19 years of age, was killed. The friendship was broken.

It’s not fair, we all said, Daniel had his entire life before him. It’s not fair, we all said, this incredible friendship was broken. It’s not fair, we said, a punk kid who had too much to drink and never should have been behind the wheel of the car had taken everything. It’s not fair!!! Why would a loving God allow such deep friendships to grow only to shatter them in a moment.

I want us to understand something. God made us for relationship and these relationships can run deep, they also inevitably will hurt deeply. That doesn’t mean we should just reject all relationships, but it does mean that grief is a natural part of life. No matter what you do, you are going to face the reality of grief and it will not feel fair.

While the pain of loss is very real the God of comfort is a present and active help.

God is the great comforter (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

2 Corinthians is one of Paul's most personal and emotional letters. In 2 Corinthians Paul; addresses the aftermath of the previous correspondence he had with the Corinthians and his previous visit. In particular Paul is responding to criticism from some members of the church and defending his apostleship. In many ways, 2 Corinthians is a response to broken relationships. Paul and the Corinthians are in fact dealing with loss. Friendships and trust are broken.

One commentator noted that

Troubles (thlipsei, “pressures, distresses”) are mentioned nine times by Paul in this letter (vv. 4 [twice], 8; 2:4; 4:17; 6:4; 7:4; 8:2, 13; sometimes the word is trans. “troubles,” other times “hardships”). Paul also used the corresponding verb thlibō three times in this epistle (“distressed,” 1:6; “hard-pressed,” 4:8; “harassed,” 7:5). Troubles are experienced by all Christians. And the Apostle Paul probably endured more pressures than nearly all his readers. Troubles, Paul said, help Christians shift their perspective from the external and temporal to the internal and eternal (cf. 1:9; 4:17–18).

But it is important that we recognize “The source of all comfort in the midst of troubles is God Himself ” In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Paul writes, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble, with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

Paul’s point seems to be that God is a God of comfort and he even enables others people to be a source of comfort. No matter who you are, no matter how much it hurts, I want you to know that God is the great comforter.

Resurrection Hope provides God’s prescribed comfort (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18).

In the immediate context we know this passage is speaking of comfort in death. But the hope of eternity should give us comfort in all situations. The ultimate loss is the loss experienced in death but there is ultimate hope. Jesus is coming back and when he does he is going to right all the wrongs. In verse 18 Paul tells us that we should comfort each other with the hope of the resurrection. This is the prescription.

Paul established the church in Thessalonica during his second missionary journey (Acts 17:1-9). The church was composed mainly of Gentile believers who faced persecution and challenges. The news of the Gospel quickly took root and I am sure they were eagerly anticipating the return of Jesus. The problem, some started to die. The Thessalonian believers were concerned about those who had died before Christ’s return. They were anxious about their fate and whether they would miss out on the benefits of Christ’s second coming. Paul emphasizes that Christians should not grieve in the same way as those without hope. For Christians, death is not the end but a transition to a future with Christ. Paul is offering theological assurance that death does not separate believers from the promise of eternal life and that those who have died will share in Christ’s return and glory.

Paul does not say do not grieve. Paul instead says, don’t grieve like the rest of mankind. I want you to understand you are allowed to grieve but you must not lose hope because our God is present and active.

Image: Mom and dad were waiting for the coming of Christ together.

For 35 years my mom and my dad talked about and waited for Christ to return. As our world spirals out of control, they thought, surely Christ is coming back at any moment to take his church to Heaven. Maybe we will be together at the moment we are raptured and our faith is made sight they thought. I have no idea exactly how much my mom and dad talked together about the rapture and seeing Jesus together but I know it was a lot. Then, one day, everything changed. My dad tragically died and my mom was faced with a reality. We won’t be together when Jesus raptures the church.

It took time but eventually my mom accepted that they would meet again at the rapture but the loss was hard. Graciously, the God of comfort, guided my mom to anticipate the reunion and the hope of being together in heaven. Now we regularly talk about that day in the future when my mom and dad will see each other in Heaven.

MTR: Don’t forget to talk about your future reunions.

When you are planning a trip to see someone it is common to talk about being excited for the trip. It is okay to be excited to see people in Heaven! I think sometimes we feel like we should be excited to see Jesus and that is enough but Paul literally commands us to comfort each other with the reality that we will be caught up together and be with the Lord forever.

So far we have talked about the reality of loss and the God of comfort but God is also redeemer. God takes what is awful and redeems it. I want to be very sensitive here because one of the worst phrases people will say is “well at least.”

A mother loses a son and someone responds “well at least you are young and can have another child” Are you kidding me! Such words are less than comforting and in my opinion about as offensive as someone can be. I hope that the comfort we offer in the church is never of that form. However, God redeems. That is God takes an awful situation and uses it for good.

Loss pushes us to make Christ our source of identity.

Having your identity in Christ means that your sense of self, purpose, and worth is deeply rooted in your relationship with Jesus Christ. It is the understanding that who you are is defined not by worldly standards, relationships, connections, achievements, or failures, but by your connection to Christ and what He has done for you.

I think that identity is Christ is a very broad term that explains so much of what we feel and experience in life. Often times the hardest times in life are times of identity crisis. I do not want to oversimplify anybody’s feelings but I do want to suggest that the root problem when we handle loss poorly is often a problem of identity. If we fully grasp our identity in Christ then no matter the loss we can firmly stand knowing that Christ will never leave or forsake us.

This leads us to our first point.

Instead of denying loss we can talk about loss knowing that God redeems (Romans 8:28-29).

Romans 8:28 is probably one of the more famous verses when it comes to trials but I want you also to notice verse 29. You see, we often cite Romans 8:28 and add in some statement like. You see it is all working out for good. But what exactly is good? Is my good the same as your good? If my standard of good is a mansion and a Ferrari then I have to admit, it hasn’t worked out for good yet. So what is good?

The answer is given to us in verse 29. Good in Romans 8:28 is conformity to the image of Jesus. The "good" that results isn't necessarily what we might desire, but rather a process that shapes us to become more like Christ. Difficulties and hardships are part of God's plan to transform us from our natural selves into what He intends us to be.

What does this all mean for us? When challenges come we can face them rather than deny them. Why? Not because we know that the challenge will go away. Not because we know that God will make everything feel great. Not because we know that God will change the outcome. No, we can face loss, we can grieve knowing that God will use the circumstances of life to conform us to be more like Christ. That mansion, that Ferrari, that relationship, job, friend, child, parent, coworker, no matter the loss in the scope of eternity they all pale in compared with the significance of christlikeness.

As we build our identity in Christ we begin to hold Christlikeness as our ultimate good.

Anger over loss can be fully expressed and then redeemed through forgiveness (Colossians 3:13).

Ephesians 4:26 is the classic verse “In your anger do not sin.” Anger is a real emotion and one that can be felt and expressed without sinning. It is entirely possible for someone to feel anger and not be in a state of sin. In the midst of loss you may feel angry? Perhaps you are angry at someone who caused your loss. Perhaps you are angry at the way someone responded to your loss. Perhaps you are angry at the circumstances that surround your loss. Anger is a real feeling and one that you may feel in the midst of significant loss.

The topic of forgiveness deserves far more than a passing glance but today we don’t have time for more than a passing glance so all I want to say is that we are called to forgive as God has forgiven us.

I want to tell you that forgiveness can be incredibly hard. I am going to be really raw here for a moment because I think it matters. When the life of one you love has been taken from you it is natural to feel angry but you must choose forgiveness. Christ chose forgiveness and we must follow.

Instead of short-circuiting depression a deep abiding faith can grow (I Peter 1:3-7).

One of the steps in the process of grieving loss is depression. We have a tendency to try to short-circuit depression or completely ignore the feelings. Instead of trying to rush through depression. Instead of ignoring depression. We should carefully study the living hope we have through the resurrection of Jesus. In the midst of depression we need to foster growth in faith by reminding ourselves of the hope. Whereas depression says it is hopeless, Scripture assures us of eternal hope.

We don’t “just get over it” instead we learn to turn our eyes upon Jesus and grow in it.

===As acceptance grows relationship with Christ can fill the loss (Colossians 3:11).=== 

In Christ all our normal distinctions are removed. But I want you to notice something. When you become a Christ Follower you don’t lose your skin color, accent, culture, language, gender. No, none of those go away, instead they are no longer a part of your identity. Why Because Christ is all and in all. Christ is sufficient.

Here is the lesson that I have yet to fully learn but am learning. Christ is enough.