2 Samuel 13:23-39 There Is a Right Way to Deal With Sin

Title: There Is a Right Way to Deal With Sin

Big Idea: The wrong response to sin often creates even greater devastation than the original offense.

Christ Focus: Christ perfectly dealt with sin. He neither ignored it like David nor sought personal vengeance like Absalom. At the cross He satisfied God’s justice, extended forgiveness to repentant sinners, and now calls His people to entrust justice to God while pursuing reconciliation whenever possible.

Application: When you have been sinned against, refuse bitterness, pursue biblical reconciliation whenever possible, forgive as Christ has forgiven you, confront sin lovingly when necessary, and entrust justice to God rather than taking revenge into your own hands.

Introduction

In *The Count of Monte Cristo*, Edmond Dantès is falsely imprisoned because of the betrayal of several men who are jealous of him. After years in prison, he escapes, discovers a tremendous fortune, and returns under a new identity. But instead of simply enjoying his freedom, he devotes himself to revenge, carefully orchestrating the downfall of the men who destroyed his life. His anger is understandable; he was genuinely wronged. But as his plans unfold, revenge begins to reshape him. He becomes so consumed with making his enemies pay that innocent people are caught in the destruction, and Dantès himself loses the ability to simply move on from what happened to him. Vengeance promises to make the other person pay, but it often makes you pay too. Revenge may satisfy your anger for a moment, but it cannot heal your wound; instead, it often creates another wound that you will carry with you.

Last week we went hard into our need to deal with sin early. This week we continue with a still challenging topic.

Setting the Stage: Briefly recap Amnon’s rape of Tamar (2 Samuel 13:1–22) and David’s failure to administer justice.

Absalom’s story doesn’t begin with rebellion — it begins with silence. In 2 Samuel 13, Amnon, David’s firstborn, becomes consumed with desire for his half-sister Tamar. Following the calculated advice of his cousin Jonadab, he feigns illness, lures her into his chamber under the pretense of needing her care, and violently rapes her. Then, in a cruelty almost worse than the act itself, his lust turns to loathing, and he throws her out — leaving Tamar to tear her ornamented robe, put ashes on her head, and live “a desolate woman” in her brother Absalom’s house. Scripture tells us that when King David heard all this, “he was furious.” And that’s it. Fury — but no action. No justice for Tamar. No consequence for Amnon. The law of God demanded a response, but the king who had been forgiven much apparently could not bring himself to confront in his son the echoes of his own sin with Bathsheba.

Body

**Bitterness** — Unresolved sin breeds bitterness (2 Samuel 13:23–29).

Let me remind you how the previous scene ended. Listen again to 2 Samuel 13:22:

>And Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.

Those words are meant to leave us uneasy. The rape of Tamar is over, but the story is not. Sin has not been dealt with. Justice has not been pursued. Forgiveness has not been extended. Nothing has actually been resolved. As we begin the second half of this narrative, we discover that unresolved sin never simply disappears. Left alone, it grows.

Absalom silently nurtured bitterness for two years (23–24).

We need to understand what the text is doing here. The text makes a point of telling us that Absalom waited two years to do anything. Perhaps Absalom spent the time plotting and planning revenge. Perhaps he was waiting for David to act. The text does not really tell us, all we know is that Absalom hated his brother and waited to act.

The text of these first two verses is also important. The phrase “all the kings sons” in verse 23 may very well be a reference to all of the kings sons with the exception of the crown prince. In other words there would have been a distinction between those who were David’s sons and the one son who was in line for the throne. Amnon was David’s firstborn son, born to Ahinoam of Jezreel while David was reigning in Hebron (2 Samuel 3:2). That made him the presumptive heir to the throne. So when we read that Absalom invited all the King’s sons it is entirely possible that this invitation excludes Amnon. To that Absalom makes an invitation to his father David and all the royal court.

We will get further into the details here in just a minute but what I want to suggest to you right here is that Absalom seems to know what he is doing and how to manipulate David.

But I think there is another narrative going on under the surface. Specifically…

David underestimated the danger of unresolved sin (25–27).

David responded to Absalom in verse 25 and told him that it would be too much for the King and his court to attend. Absalom pushes, but the king takes a stand and while offering encouragement to Absalom — a blessing — yet he still refuses to join in the activities.

Then comes the surprising request: “If you will not go, please let my brother Amnon go with us.”

Absalom set the trap and asks if instead Amnon, presumably the crown prince, will come. On the surface, Absalom has made a reasonable request — if the King cannot come then please send the next best thing, the crown prince. David immediately hesitates. “Why should he go with you?” It is one of the most revealing questions in the passage. David senses that something is not quite right, yet when Absalom continues to press the matter, David relents and sends Amnon along with the other princes.

The text really presents us with more questions than answers. Why was David reluctant to go? Did he think there was some danger? Why did David allow Amnon to go? Did he not realize the hatred that Absalom had been harboring and nursing?

And sitting underneath all of this is the bigger issue. Why is David, the ruler, the judge of the people, so unable to rule and judge in his own family? What is going on with David that he allows this sort of behavior? At best, David is an overindulgent father who lets his kids run the show.

Whatever the answer, one thing is clear: David once again failed to deal wisely with sin within his own household. His failure to address Amnon’s sin created an environment where bitterness was free to grow unchecked.

Bitterness eventually produced premeditated murder (28–29).

When the moment finally arrives, Absalom gives the signal. After Amnon’s heart is “merry with wine” and his guard is down, Absalom’s servants strike him down exactly as they had been instructed.

Under the Law, Amnon deserved to die. That would have been just. But this is not justice. This is calculated revenge.

God’s Law prescribed severe punishment for sexual sin (Deut 22:23-29), but God had never authorized Absalom to become judge, jury, and executioner. In seeking justice his own way, Absalom committed another grievous sin. Rather than ending the cycle of evil, he expanded it.

That is one of bitterness’s greatest lies. It convinces us that because we have been deeply wronged, we are justified in responding however we choose. But another person’s sin never gives us permission to sin ourselves. Sin is never overcome by more sin.

Image: The Bible warns about bitterness.

Several biblical passages directly connect bitterness to spiritual and moral corruption:

Hebrews 12:15 warns that a “bitter root” can grow up to cause trouble and defile many, presenting bitterness as something that spreads destructively beyond the individual who harbors it. Deuteronomy 29:18 similarly cautions against allowing a “root” to develop that produces “bitter poison,” framing bitterness as a spiritual toxin that can contaminate an entire community.

The connection between bitterness and active sin appears most explicitly in Acts 8:23, where Peter tells Simon that he is “full of bitterness and captive to sin,” directly linking the two conditions. James 3:14–16 describes how harboring “bitter envy and selfish ambition” in your heart produces disorder and every evil practice, showing how internal bitterness manifests in outward wrongdoing.

Ephesians 4:31 commands believers to eliminate bitterness along with rage, anger, slander, and malice, treating it as a destructive emotional state requiring active removal. Job 5:2 observes that resentment “kills a fool,” emphasizing bitterness’s self-destructive nature, while Proverbs 14:10 notes that “each heart knows its own bitterness,” acknowledging bitterness as an internal condition that isolates the person experiencing it.

These passages collectively present bitterness not as a passive emotion but as a spiritual root system that, left unchecked, produces widespread corruption — both within the individual and throughout their relationships and community.

Action Step: Bring your hurt before God, pursue biblical reconciliation whenever possible, and refuse to nurture a desire for revenge.

When you have been deeply sinned against, don’t allow silence and resentment to become the soil where bitterness grows. Bring your hurt before God, pursue biblical reconciliation whenever possible, and refuse to nurture a desire for revenge.

If someone has deeply wounded you, don’t confuse forgiveness with pretending nothing happened. Bring your hurt honestly before the Lord. Pursue reconciliation whenever repentance makes it possible. Seek justice through the means God has established (which you can find for New Testament believers in Matthew 18). But refuse to cultivate bitterness or take personal revenge. Those responses only multiply the devastation that sin has already caused.

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**Escalation** — Sin answered with sin only multiplies the damage (2 Samuel 13:30–33).

David’s earlier failure opened the door to greater tragedy (30–31).

The first report that reaches David’s ears is devastating. The messenger reports that **all** of the king’s sons have been killed. What is striking is that David never questions the report. He immediately tears his clothes and begins mourning.

Perhaps David knew there was a problem all along. Perhaps the guilt of his earlier failures made this report seem entirely believable. Whatever the reason, David’s household is suddenly overcome with grief.

But the reality is that the devastation did not begin here. It began with David’s own sin with Bathsheba. It continued when Amnon violated Tamar. It deepened when David failed to administer justice. Now it reaches another tragic chapter as Absalom answers sin with more sin.

That is the nature of sin. Left alone, it never stays contained. It grows.

What strikes me about David’s response is this: David tears his clothes and mourns now, but where was this mourning earlier? Where was this sorrow over Amnon’s sin? David is guilty of mourning the consequences of sin more than mourning sin itself.

I think that is a danger for all of us.

Far too often we grieve the mess sin creates while never grieving the sin that created the mess. We mourn broken relationships, lost trust, damaged reputations, and painful consequences, but do we mourn our rebellion against God? Scripture repeatedly calls God’s people to hate sin because it is first and foremost an offense against a holy God (Psalm 51:4; James 4:8–10).

David’s earlier failure opened the door for greater tragedy.

Sometimes people like to speculate about generational sin — the idea that the consequences, behaviors, and patterns of one generation are passed on to the next. I think some people have taken that concept farther than Scripture does, but I also think others ignore an important reality. Children learn from their parents. They watch us. They imitate us. If we refuse to deal with our own sin, we should not be surprised when our children struggle with many of the same sins or the same patterns of responding to sin.

So deal with your sin.

Now there is a real danger here. Someone could hear that and immediately think about the person sitting across the aisle. “I hope they heard that.” Stop. That is not what I am saying.

I am not telling you to deal with your neighbor’s sin. I am telling you to deal with **your** sin.

The person who thinks, “I’ve got this figured out,” is probably the person who most needs this reminder. We are all sinners. The people closest to us see our weaknesses, our attitudes, our pride, and our blind spots. If you have children, they see them too. None of us are exempt.

Everyone around David knew justice had never been done (32-33).

I know David was the king, and confronting the king would have been intimidating. But someone needed to speak because it becomes painfully clear that everyone knew what David had been ignoring.

Look at verse 32:

> *But Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother, said, “My lord should not think that they killed all the princes; only Amnon is dead. This has been Absalom’s express intention ever since the day Amnon raped his sister Tamar.”*

Did you catch that?

Jonadab knew. And as far as I can tell this is the same Jonadab who had given Amnon the idea in the first place.

He knew Absalom’s hatred had been growing ever since Tamar was assaulted. Apparently this was no secret. David may have ignored the problem, but others had not.

Nathan had already warned David that the consequences of his own sin would not remain hidden (2 Samuel 12:10–12). Ultimately this would take the form of a very public violation of David’s concubines but now we see the prequel. The sword would not depart from David’s house. What Nathan prophesied is now unfolding before our eyes.

Everyone around David could see that justice had not been handled properly, and because justice had been neglected, bitterness had been given room to grow.

Image: Escalation is a real concern

I am not going to name names because I could probably point to almost every family represented here, but I have watched this happen with siblings more times than I can count.

One sibling gives another a shove. The other responds with a shove back. That turns into a punch. Before long they are rolling around on the floor, and nobody even remembers who started it.

That is escalation.

What began as one offense quickly became something much bigger because each person felt justified in responding just a little more forcefully than the other.

The same thing happens with adults. Someone hurts us, so we hurt them back. They respond, so we respond again. Before long, two sinful people have multiplied the damage because neither one was willing to let God deal with justice.

That is why Paul writes in Romans 12:17–21:

> *Do not repay anyone evil for evil... Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.*

That does not mean justice should never be pursued. Scripture clearly teaches that God has established authorities to administer justice (Romans 13:1–4). But there is a world of difference between pursuing justice through God’s appointed means and taking personal vengeance into our own hands.

As a principle for life, refuse revenge. Pursue justice when appropriate, but always leave vengeance to the Lord.

Action Step: Commit yourself to responding to sin with biblical repentance, forgiveness, truth, and justice rather than sinful retaliation or feigned ignorance.

Refusing to deal with sin God’s way never leaves the damage contained. Commit yourself to responding to sin with biblical repentance, forgiveness, truth, and justice rather than sinful retaliation.

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**Brokenness** — Revenge leaves relationships shattered (2 Samuel 13:34–39).

Revenge devastates everyone around us (34–36).

With vengeance having been carried out, it is time for everyone to come together and assess the damage.

The king’s remaining sons flee for their lives and eventually arrive back at the palace weeping as they come. David and all of his servants also tear their clothes and mourn. The entire royal family has been thrown into chaos.

A man is dead. The presumptive heir to the throne is gone. The stability of David’s household has been shaken. What began with one act of sexual sin has now grown into murder, fear, and brokenness.

I imagine that in the confusion of the moment no one knew what would happen next. Would Absalom continue his revenge? Would more blood be shed? Was anyone in the royal family safe? What would happen to the kingdom?

That is what revenge does. It never stays isolated. It sends shockwaves through everyone connected to it.

But perhaps the saddest part is this: after all of the planning, all of the waiting, and all of the revenge, nothing has actually been fixed.

Revenge cannot restore what sin has destroyed (37–38).

The narrator paints a heartbreaking picture.

- Tamar is still desolate. - Amnon is dead. - Absalom is in exile. - David’s family is fractured.

The passage tells us that Absalom fled to Geshur, where he remained for three years under the protection of his grandfather Talmai, king of Geshur.

You have heard me say it before, and I will say it again: **God is the Redeemer. We are not.**

Sin destroys. It leaves behind a wake of brokenness that no human being can fully repair. We naturally want to fix what has been broken. We want to make things right. But when we try to accomplish God’s work through sinful means, we only deepen the damage.

Think about Tamar.

Her life had already been devastated by Amnon’s sin. She was abandoned and left desolate. Absalom, to his credit, had taken her into his home and cared for her (2 Samuel 13:20).

But now what happens?

Because Absalom chose revenge instead of trusting God, he is forced into exile. Once again Tamar loses the protection and provision of the brother who had cared for her.

That is the tragedy of revenge. It promises to make things right, but instead it often creates new victims.

Only God can redeem what sin has destroyed. Only God can bring beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1–3). Only God can restore what has been lost.

We are not the Redeemer. When we take matters into our own hands instead of trusting Him, we usually make things worse.

Revenge leaves wounds that are difficult to heal (39).

Verse 39 is one of the saddest verses in the chapter.

After time had passed and David had come to terms with Amnon’s death, the text tells us that “King David longed to go out to Absalom.”

David misses his son.

The anger has cooled. The grief has settled. There is a desire for reconciliation.

But revenge leaves wounds that are difficult to heal.

One son is dead.

Another son is living in exile.

Tamar remains broken.

David is left grieving the destruction of his own family.

Revenge promised closure, but it delivered only deeper heartache.

Sadly, I have known families where brothers and sisters no longer speak to one another. Parents and children have become estranged. Sometimes the original offense was significant. Sometimes, after enough years have passed, no one can even remember exactly how the conflict began. They only know the relationship is broken.

Life is too short to allow bitterness and revenge to write the final chapter of our relationships.

As far as it depends on you, seek reconciliation. As far as it depends on you, forgive. As far as it depends on you, leave vengeance in God’s hands (Romans 12:18–19).

Action Step: Trust God with justice, seek peace where possible, and pursue relationships marked by forgiveness instead of retaliation.

Recognize that revenge never delivers what it promises. Trust God with justice, seek peace where possible, and pursue relationships marked by forgiveness instead of retaliation.

Conclusion

Review

- Bitterness grows when sin is left unresolved. - Sinful responses to sin only multiply the damage. - Revenge leaves broken relationships instead of healing.

Gospel

Unlike David, Jesus never ignored sin. Unlike Absalom, Jesus never took personal vengeance. Instead, He bore God’s righteous judgment against sin on the cross so that justice and mercy could meet. Because Christ has forgiven us, we are now free to forgive others, pursue reconciliation, and entrust justice to God.

Invitation

Where are you responding to sin with bitterness, revenge, avoidance, or anger? Bring that hurt to Christ. Trust Him to deal with sin rightly, forgive as you have been forgiven, and walk in the freedom that comes from leaving justice in God’s hands.